A Family Mystery Uncovered

It was a boring Sunday like every Sunday during football season. Beatrice fought over bathroom time with her sister Lucretia while their father drove their grandma to church and their mother enjoyed a Game of Thrones marathon. After church Dad and the NFL would take over the living room.

"Stop fighting, girls!" Their mother Gloria called up the stairs. "Don't make me start scheduling bathroom time."

"It's her fault," Lucretia replied glaring at Beatrice, "if she wasn't so ugly she wouldn't have to be in there so much trying to get pretty."

"Lu!" mother yelled, "what have I told you about calling your sister ugly?"

"You do realize we're twins," Beatrice returned Lucretia's glare.

I'll be in my room." Lucretia stomped into her room and slammed the door.

"You know we have two bathrooms," Gloria said before returning to her marathon. "I'm going to swap them for two dogs and move to a desert island," she muttered into her cup of coffee.

Suddenly the cat Poe raced into the living room from the kitchen at top speed and jumped into Gloria's lap. "You almost spilled my coffee, Poe! What is your problem?"

Beatrice and Lucretia raced down the stairs to jump onto the couch where their mom put a hand over her coffee cup to keep it from spilling.

"What is everyone's problem around here?" Gloria was annoyed.

"Didn't you hear that loud noise in the back yard?" Beatrice asked.

"No, what noise?" Gloria looked back and forth between her daughters. "Is that what spooked Poe?"

"When's Dad coming home?" Lucretia held onto Gloria's arm.

"Soon," Gloria replied, "What noise?" she asked again. Poe jumped to the floor and sat in the corner to stare at the wallpaper as was his habit when the family was together talking.

"I didn't hear any noise," the girls stared at her wide-eyed with fear, "can you help me out with some info or is it a secret?"

"It sounded like a crashing noise and a gun shot!" Lucretia spoke while Beatrice nodded in agreement.

Giving in to her curiosity, Gloria put her coffee cup down on the coffee table, pried herself apart from her frightened daughters and headed to the kitchen in the back of the house.

"No, Mom, don't go out there!" Lucretia tried to hold her back.

"At least take a weapon," Beatrice handed her a hard cover notebook which Gloria ignored. Just then their dad Gregor burst in the back door with a shotgun in his hand and grandma behind him.

"Hey, guys," he announced, "I just shot a rabid racoon in the back yard. I was getting Grandma out of the Lincoln and it came staggering sideways at us."

"Yeah," said Grandma, "I almost shit a brick!"

"Well, there you see," Gloria turned to her daughters who were no longer frightened, but disgusted, "mystery solved."

A Strange Request at a Piano Bar

"Oh, sassafras!" Ethel exclaimed when she stopped twirling and staggered sideways into the sad clown.

"Oh, ho, ho," Jim Bob the clown howled an exaggerated laugh as he helped Ethel regain her equilibrium.

"Getting old sucks," she said with a sigh and wobbled over to the little boy who was politely holding the apple Ethel had been eating when she offered to demonstrate how cool her poodle skirt looked when she twirled. "I guess I need to get back to yoga class to work on my balance."
The little boy kept his face a mask of indifference to hide his inner laughter. Jim Bob noticed the boy's face about to burst from his weakening reserve and gave his nose a beep so he could let out a giggle without insulting Ethel.

Ethel accepted the apple from the giggling juvenile without any hint that he could be laughing at her misfortune and the boy jogged back to the lights of the carnival and away from the increasingly awkward situation.

"Oh, double sassafras!" Ethel exclaimed, "my apple is steeped with oxidation!" she held it up for Jim Bob to see the browning flesh of the apple before tossing it over the chain link fence that bordered the carnival area.

"You know, Ethel dear," Jim Bob's concern showed through his thick clown make-up, "you're no spring chicken anymore and it worries me that you insist on doing that twirling poodle skirt bit for the patrons. You could have fallen and sprained an ankle, or even broken something."

Ethel, now angry, stood on her tip toes to look Jim Bob in the eye and said, "Ever since 1975 when that piano man in the bar paid me to do the skirt twirl, I've been doing that bit. I don't need anyone creating controversy over it. That's ageism on your part, Jim Bob. It may have been a strange request once upon a time in a seedy piano bar, but I've made a halfway decent living at it and I'll keep doing it until men stop stuffing money into my cleavage, so there!"

St. Patrick's Day

Just a little late. . .

Baby doll head has the spirit!

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Winter, you're beginning to overstay your welcome.

Creepy Baby Doll Head Valentines

Half buried flattened and full of dirt, I found this baby doll head while raking my back yard. I brought it in, cleaned it up and unflattened it as much as I could. It sat on my kitchen counter for weeks, visitors asking me why I kept a creepy battered baby doll head in my kitchen. I didn't know, but didn't want to throw it out. When I started attaching inspirational notes on it, my daughter thought it was hilarious and started an Instagram account for it https://www.instagram.com/p/BQX6Lrfh9bK/?taken-by=thebabydollhead&hl=en

I thought the baby head would be nice in a Valentines Day display, so I tried it out. I think it's pretty cool!

It's Almost Valentines Day