We’re all going to die. The only question is when. When your
time is up, that’s when. It could be fifty years from now or fifty minutes from
now. It’s going to happen to all of us and to everyone we love. Yet we like to
pretend it will never happen. Seriously, I can’t imagine life without me. Can
you imagine life without you? Is death the end of life? For that matter, is
birth the beginning of life?
Until my father died over a decade ago (I was in my early
40s) I had no personal experience with death and loss as it happens in the real
world, only in gothic fiction. These questions had never occurred to me much
before then. Even though my father had been suffering from an incurable lung
disease, I completely denied the reality that he would gradually worsen and
finally succumb to it. My mother would race him to the ER when he’d be unable
to catch his breath but he always rallied and returned home.
Until the final time when he didn’t.
Even during his final
hospital stay when he was moved to intensive care, I still believed he would
overcome this setback and live on until my mother called my sister and me and
suggested we say goodbye to him for the last time. After saying our brave
goodbyes (Dad hated displays of emotion unless it was laughter) I drove out of
the hospital parking lot and pulled over to the side of the road to cry. A
funny thing happened, although it wasn’t funny at the time. I finally accepted that my
father was dying, I’d never see him again, yet the sun was so bright I needed
sunglasses even though it was a chilly December day in New England! Where was
the raging thunder storm that was always thrashing the landscape during times
of tragedy and horror in the movies and gothic novels? Why weren’t big old
trees being blown over, blocking the road as I struggled past the obstacles toward
the safety of my home? Why wasn’t the water crashing up and over the sea walls
dragging the soft silky sand out to sea?
My father was dying!
My life was facing a horrible tragedy that would devastate
my world forever! How could that woman on the sidewalk just walk her little dog
as though it were a normal day? Where was the death imagery and the dark
symbolism? I removed my sunglasses to dry my eyes and confusedly drove home to
make dinner for my family. Life keeps going on.
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